I don't know who this Murphy is - you know the one that invented Murphy's laws.  Whoever he is he either had very bad luck or a very sick and twisted sense of humor.  What is his law about paid off vehicles?  Come on, you know this one.  As soon as it is paid off, it breaks down.  My sweet little car is paid off.  He has been good to us and we in turn take good care of him.  He gets car washes, oil changes, vacuumed, trips to the beach, etc.  We have had no major problems with him.  None really.  I had to change some lightbulbs and that's it.  I guess this is why hyundai can offer the 10 year/100,000 mile warranty.

So the car is paid off, and he has 72k miles.  He is 5 years old and he developed a small oil leak.  It wasn't anything major, just a few drips every day.  I wanted to get it checked out before the warranty ran out.  Apparently, the little drip drip was a much bigger job.  A job that required taking out the transmission.  Yeikes!  Expensive!  I was glad it was covered by the warranty.  It required 4 trips to the dealership before it got finished.  We picked it up yesterday.  The rear main seal was replaced and he was not leaking anymore.

You can imagine my excitement to have a car again.  I was no longer trapped inside the house.  All day.  This morning, after we got Stewart to the bus, Parker and I went and had breakfast at Panera, went to Home Depot for some plants, dropped off some clothes at the dry cleaners, and went to Kohls.  I pulled into the driveway and remembered that I had a back full of plants and potting soil so I pulled out of the drive way so I could back in.  Apparently, that pissed off the car and he refused to go in Drive.  I had to use nuetral to get it to roll enough down the street so I could put it in reverse and back it in the drive.  I was very glad it didn't happen while we were out. 

I called the dealership and he advised that I still have the 5 year/unlimited mileage roadside assistance.  WOW!  Who knew.  Two hours later a tow truck showed up at the house and towed the car back to the dealership.  I called the service department and asked if the car could be brought back to our house and they said yes.  EVEN BETTER.

The point of all this drivel is that I am very pleased with the warranty on the car.  I've been drooling over the convertible Mini and I have sworn that would be my next car, but this may have established me as a very loyal Hyundai customer. 

Me:  Parker can I have a kiss.  (Leaning in with puckered lips.)

Parker: NO!  (shaking head and scooting away.)

Me: (Loud fake crying)

Parker:  I'm sorry mommy.  (Leans in, gives me sweet kiss complete with the, "maaaah!" sound effect.)

Yes, I know I capitalized the "P" in Parent.  It seems like one of those titles that should be capitalized.  Like the title "the President" being a parent is just as important to a child as the President is to the country.  So there.  I believe that the word "parent" should now be a capitalized title.  A Parent. Your Parents.  I am a Parent.

It could be the late hours but I have been feeling a lot of parental guilt lately.  When it gets to be this late, my mind tends to wander.  I lay in bed, not quite ready to surrender to the sandman, and I write up blogs (in my head) and then when I do wake up the next morning it is completely gone.  So tonight (or do i say this morning?) I rolled out of bed to blog.  (literally rolled out of bed because the new bed is so high, I can't sit on the edge of it and have my feet touch the floor.  Sucks being short.)  Anyway, here goes the cliche:  It's hard being a parent.  As my kids get older, I find that I understand the things my parents did a little more.  Not everything but some things make more sense.  (Dad, this is my one and only admission of "you were right.")  Somewhere between wanting my kids to be better than me, to have better than I did, and to have a happy and fulfilling childhood I am running into parent obstacles.  I actually said to someone today, "I don't know what to do." 

1. My Sweet Stewart - it's looking like he is going to have to repeat first grade.  At first I refused to believe it.  I just knew that we weren't spending enough time with him working on homework etc.  And then I was in denial.  this is my child!  He is soooo smart.  Everyday I see him do something or say something that makes me question the fact that he is only 6 years old.  But the report cards keep coming in - and they are not good.  And then I felt guilt.  I'm still feeling the guilt.  I feel like I am not doing something, whatever it is that he needs to be a successful student.  He is 50% me and 50% Bill.  We are both very intelligent people.  So, it's not Stewart - it has to be us.  It has to be something that we aren't doing to help him.  And now, I guess I am at that point where I do agree with the notion that he needs to repeat.  As hard as it is on my own ego - I know, how dare I be so selfish to worry about my own ego at a time like this - he needs the extra year.  I guess I'm just holding onto what everyone else keeps saying, "Stewart is a very young first grader.  And he is a boy and everyone knows that boys mature slower than girls."  We have been waiting for the little maturity switch to flick on in his cute head - but it hasn't happened yet.  I don't want to see him struggling.  He has been struggling the whole year and that has worn down his self esteem.  My sweet Stewart feels like a failure, like he can't do anything right, like he's not smart enough or good enough.  And when I had the talk with him about repeating first grade, it was like stabbing him in the stomach and shaking it around.  I don't know what to say to him to make him not feel like a failure.  He is a very sensitive little boy and he understands what repeating first grade means.  To him, it means he is a loser and a failure.  To him, it means that he isn't smart enough for second grade.  It breaks my heart.
2. I feel guilty that I am soooo happy when Parker goes down for a nap.  In a day of not being able to go to the bathroom alone, not being able to shower alone, shit - not being able to do anything ALONE, the 90 minutes that I get to be ALONE when he is taking his nap is wonderful.  When he doesn't take a nap, I get cranky.  He gets cranky.  We both need him to take a nap.  It's not that I don't love him - but in the middle of the day, I just need a break.  I just need to be able to sit down and breathe.  I find that I also have a lot of guilt for not working right now.  So i find myself doing extra loads of laundry during the day, vacuuming the house more than usual, trying to have a nice meal ready to compensate for the fact that I feel like I don't do anything all day.  And all of this guilt-induced housework usually has me on my feet all day and leaves me exhausted by 6pm.  Soo - his naptime is my one break.  When I can sit down and watch a television program that was created for adults, or read a book that was written by an adult for an adult.  Heaven forbid, I actually lay my head down and take a nap.  Way too much guilt for that.  He never asks, and he never will but I feel like the answer to the question, "What did you do today" should be visable when he walks in the door.
3. I feel guilty for the way that I am encouraging Stewart to take pride in something he enjoys - I bought him stuff.  (It kinda feels like a bribe or something.  Like when a couple separates, and Parents (see the capital "P"!) try to buy the affection of the child with toys, etc.)  Stewart loves to draw.  He has this amazing attention for detail when he draws a picture - it's amazing.  And in an effort to try to boost his self-esteem, we are trying to brag up his artistic and creative abilities.  So I took him to Michaels and bought him a real artist's sketchbook and a nice set of real artist's watercolor pencils (did you know those stupid things can cost in the HUNDRED's of dollars.  Obviously, I didn't buy that set but I was amazed that you can buy a set of $300 watercolor pencils - which I call expensive-ass MAP PENCILS!)  I got him this neat little plastic box that he can use to put his art supplies in.  It's cute.  But in a way, it feels like the wrong way to encourage him.  By buying him stuff.  Yes we have paper and we have a ton of crayons and colored pencils but there is something about having the real deal. Like being able to apply gel eye-liner with a brush - that's the real deal Holyfield.  Anyone can use pencil eyeliner - but gel eye-liner with a brush - I felt like a professional!  And I think Stewart is the kind of person that would appreciate real art supplies.  He has been drawing a lot of pictures of Donald Shultz from Wild Recon.  So - he's not Van Gogh painting Starry Starry night.  Not yet - I'm sure VG started somewhere!

It's almost 2 o'clock and I am gradually starting to feel tired.  The words aren't flowing as freely as they did when I was lying in bed thinking up this blog. 

It's hard being a Parent.  What makes it harder is that there are soo many Parents out there - and we live in a society where everyone judges and criticizes everyone else.  So while I may not be upset that my kids say "buttcheeks" my neighbor finds it so offensive that she has to call me and tell me just how unacceptable it is.  In my mind if buttcheeks is the worst thing coming out of his mouth right now, big deal.  Sure I wish he wouldn't say it but he's a boy.  Boys are gross, boys like fart jokes and rubber vomit.  To them, buttcheeks is a funny word.  Stop judging me and get over it.  

Maybe I have all of this guilt because it is a fault of my own personality.  I tend to take on guilt very easily.  But it is hard being a Parent.  For everything that you do, there are a bagillion other Parents who would love to tell you that you are doing it wrong.  I believe there is no one right way to be a Parent.  Every family is different, every child is different.  You have to find what works for you and your family.   I find that I may think to myself, "did you NOT look in the mirror before you left the house!?" as I walk past someone at the mall - but I try very hard to not criticize what I see Parents doing with their children.  I try.  It's another flaw of my personality.  I am one of those people who judge and criticize - but I won't call you and tell you that I think your kid is a jerk and that he has the wool pulled over your eyes sooooooooo much that you couldn't  . . . nm.  (I have some pent up anger about that, obviously!)  I would hate for someone to have walked into our house at 9:45pm tonight.  Because they would have seen me spanking Parker for refusing to go to sleep.  You never know what is really going on.  Had someone walked in an hour earlier, they would have seen us put him to bed and watched us put him to bed 6 times before a spanking was administered.  So i just try to remind myself that you don't know what is going on and that it isn't my place to judge.  However, I also believe that there is no possible explanation for some of the clothes I see people wearing.  ;)

Don't judge me as a Parent.  I am doing the best I can.  No one gives you "the Idiot's Guide to Raising Children", they don't come with an instruction manual - but everyone thinks their way is the only right way to raise children.  When does the freaking guilt end?  Or will it never end for me because that's my personality.  With Parker, I've had Parental guilt since the day he was born - and he's TWO now!

It just doesn't get any easier.  Being a Parent seems to get harder and harder as the kids get older and smarter.   

Don't judge me as a Parent but I guess you can criticize my shoes or choice of lipgloss.

**This Blog is rated R - for strong language.  ** 

If I flashback to when Stewart was two, he was going through his Finding Nemo phase.  We would sit together and watch Nemo, lots.  There were some Saturdays, when Bill went into DC for long runs (which means he got home between 11-noon) and Stewart and I would sit on the couch watching Nemo.  Sometimes twice before daddy got home.  I realize some of you are shaking your head accousting me for not doing something more educational with him - but when it came right down to it we were both happy.  He would sit in my lap or snuggle up next to me and we would watch Nemo.  And he would laugh and giggle and say "NEMO!" and as a mother, lost in the moment, I didn't/couldn't have wanted more.

Flashforward to Parker at two years old.  He loves Ponyo.  It's pretty cute. When i bought the movie, it was more for myself than it was for the kids but Parker totally loves the movie.  I like it because it is the only Miyazaki movie that makes sense to me.  But Parker has recently branched out to other Pixar movies:  Finding Nemo and Cars.  Mostly Cars.  And he could really like Cars because we have every single matchbox-car-sized die-cast Car that they made (except for the Sarge, which was recalled before we had a chance to buy it.)  We could recreate the whole entire movie on the carpet.  Parker likes to play with the cars.  He dumps out the box and then starts to line them up - in some order that makes sense in his cute little baby two-year old mind.

The only problem is he calls the movie Trucks, which he proudly prounounces, "FUCKS!"  This is a typical conversation that he and I have, almost on a daily basis, about the movie Cars.

Parker:  Fucks noooow.

Me:  Parker, say TRucks.  TRUCKS.

Parker:  Noo!  FUCKS!

Me:  TTTTRRRUCKS.  Trucks.

Parker:  NOOO!  FUCKS!  More FUCKS now!

Me:  Cars?  Can you say Cars?

Parker:  NOOOOO!  FUCKS!

Me:  CARS!  TRUCKS!

Parker:  dat fucks.  MORE FUCKS.

I realize this needs to get corrected yesterday.  He refuses to call it TRucks or even Cars.  He went outside with dad this evening, pointed to my car and said, "Mommy fuck" meaning, "Mommy's Truck."  Stewart is even recognizing what he is saying.  

The next time we are at wal-mart or target, and we go down the toy aisle with the Cars toys, I just know he is going to yell out, "FUCKS!"  and I am going to absolutely die.