Going out of business is my funny way of referring to the tubal ligation that I am getting on the 28th.  I tried to get this done while I was still in the hospital recovering from delivery but the dr said she didn't like to schedule it then in case of emergency (meaning she wouldn't be able to perform the operation because of an emergency c-section she has to perform or because of some emergency that may happen with me during delivery.)  In the end it worked out because I was very preoccupied with Parker in the NICU and trying to make our 5 year old feel special and trying to keep my hormones in check and not breaking down in front of Bill because I didn't think he could handle one more stressful thing.

So I am officially putting my uterus out of business.  I know a lot of moms feel like fertility is a blessing and not something that should be taken so lightly.  But this is how I feel about being pregnant and having children.  I know I don't want any more.  We don't want any more.  Now that we have Parker I don't have to listen to all of the mothers tell me that I'm being selfish by not giving Stewart a playmate.  Not that it was ever anyone’s business or place to take their opinions and throw them in my face – somehow insinuating that I was a bad mother by simply not having another child.  Part of being a good parent is knowing yourself, your wants and needs.  You can’t meet the needs of your kids (and your lucky husband) if you haven’t taken care of yourself.  And I always said that Stewart wasn’t hurting for a playmate – he has his mommy and daddy.

I almost feel a little guilty – being so excited about it.  Knowing that the chances of us conceiving another child is slim to none – it sounds like something that should make me sad.  I am slightly saddened knowing we won’t have a little girl.  Bill says if in 10 years we get the itch to have a girl, then we can adopt.  This is a perfect solution for me – not something you can ever say to the dr because she will take that to mean that you aren’t sure.  When all you are really saying is that you are sure that YOU don’t want to be pregnant again but if you want another child you WANT to adopt.  It goes back to knowing yourself and what you want.  I was adopted.  I would like the opportunity to change a child's life the way my parents changed mine.  It doesn't mean i want to be preggos again!

There is a bit of excitement that comes with knowing we can be a little careless and not have to stress out about it.  Our sweet Parker was a vacation surprise.  I will never ever call him an accident – there is such a negative connotation when you say it like that – but he was not planned.  I went to the same OBGYN practice and asked for a tubal in 2005 and I was denied.  The dr said I was too young and she didn’t believe that I knew what I wanted.  It infuriated me that this third party who knows nothing about me other than what she sees when I’m up in the stirrups could tell me she didn’t think I knew what I wanted. 

I don’t know how to express how I feel about her refusing to do it allowed me to have Parker while at the same time saying that he wasn’t part of our plan without you thinking that I didn’t want him or don’t want him.  It’s complicated in my mind and I just can’t work it out with words yet.   But I feel like had I not had him, I wouldn’t have known him to miss him (if that makes sense) but now I can't imagine my life without his fussy little body!  Don’t misunderstand, I LOVE HIM tremendously but I also know that I would have been perfectly content with only one child. And now I will be perfectly content with my two boys. How lucky am I – to have 3 men (2 of them little) in my life that love and care for me!?

My days of being a fertile woman are numbered and I’m ok with that. 

Happy actually.